batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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