I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
