I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
