why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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