He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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