my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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