I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
These tits shall not be calmed
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
