get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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