so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i think i just lost a toe
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
