True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
