Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
