Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
