The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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