My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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