apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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