Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Fuck me I smell like cheese
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize