Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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