Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
