I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
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