the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
This is classic penis vs brain.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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