I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize