i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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