no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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