I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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