Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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