Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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