there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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