Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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