At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Houston, we have a squirter
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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