Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
