weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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