You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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