I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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