I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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