someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
