Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
