So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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