I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
