Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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