nut hugger
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
