where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize