I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
