I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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