Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
