You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
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