Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
