Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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