I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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