My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
try to milk me bitch
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