i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i came on her dog
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
