Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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