i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Randomize
