Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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