Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
