I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Randomize
